Off-guard


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Potting the inky intoxicant

the inebriated night stumbles to sleep slowly

the silver disc above calligraphs a bright morrow

through the dry foliage beneath the soddy sheets.

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As the babble in the branches and bushes silences,

the wild prowl for prey on paws.

When the democracy of the forest sleeps in oblivion

It’s time for the wily predators to pound, for their pound of flesh.

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4 Comments

  1. You have used some really clever images and phrases here, Sunamu. I personally prefer the second stanza. I have heard the babble hushing to silence as night falls… and I love the other three lines with the exception of the word ‘wild’. I feel that a ‘p’ word would be more fitting. Predators, perhaps, or panther/s prowl/s… But there’s nothing wrong with ‘wild’, it’s just me, lol!

    Going back to the first stanza, I’m sorry but I don’t really understand it. ‘Potting’ (drinking?) ‘inky intoxicant’ (drinking the liquid blackness?) and lastly ‘soddy sheets’ which lie above the foliage (clouds?). Should it not then be ‘sodden’ ie water-logged?

  2. Denise,

    Thank you so much for this lovely review.

    This was in fact, a poem written for a prompt on some web site.

    I borrowed few words from the world of gaming and drinking. Potting, as you might be aware, is shooting at a static object and not one on the run or flight. Pot as you said, also means drinking heavily.

    Since my ultimate statement is that when people are asleep like game birds or animals ebriated by their own concerns, the predator polticians would simply eat the democracy away, I continued with that gaming image.

    The inky intoxicant in case of the sleeping nature is the darkness. In case of people it is their personal considerations without care for the system that gives them protection.
    Just as the predators take advantage of the moonlight filtering through the foliage, the wrethced politicians (the kings / tyrants / and the ozymandiases of earlier periods) shall also take advantage of the loopholes in the political system to their advantage. sod is land covered by grass… so the predators make almost no sound at all. Hence, soddy is used.

    I can understand my error here. I should not have used filiage. What I intended was the dry leaves over which grass had grown. If it were only dry leaves they would make a sound. I should have used dry foliage.

    Thanks a million for your comments.

    1. Sunamu, I’m sorry I couldn’t do a better critique for you. My remarks on whether I like a poem or not are always made out of personal considerations and not for the actual poem’s worth as a poem, if you understand what I mean. I am totally unqualified to decide on the merits of a poem. And it’s just the same when I write. I know what I like (when I get it right, lol) and what I don’t like, but that’s about it, I’m afraid. Perhaps I should have listened more carefully at school, but I would never have dreamt that I would develop this interest!

      1. Dear Denise,

        I sense a feeling of hurt in this. By any chance are you offended by my reply? Then, I offer my unconditional apologies. You did indeed make a very good critique. In fact, a poem can be viewed only on personal consideration whether I do it or you do it. And perhaps it is only the way we can understand literature we interact with on our own. Because of your comments only I could revisit my poem and identified where I went wrong. And I thank you sincerely for that.
        And as for your critique, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, that you should be sorry. And let me assure you that there is no other intention than explaining the crafting of the poem. If my words sounded something else, I would once again say, a thousand apologies. That is not my intention. When I said a million thanks, I mean it. Not just a courtesy.

        with best regards,
        Murty

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